TRX250R.ORG
General => Lounge => Topic started by: Fear250r on August 27, 2013, 03:15:40 PM
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I tried to get a section going on the other site for something like this. Naturally, someone was only interested in kicking people instead of continuing to make a better site. Anywho, figured I'd fire it up here. Let make a simple "joke thread". No extra section needed, just have it in the lounge. Maybe Jon could sticky this if it takes off. I'll start. I've got tons of funny emails that I've collected over the years. I'll start posting some up! Enjoy!
"The Cat"
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave the house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tried to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs with the husband in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away.
"Stupid b i t c h was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
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im in trouble now i woke the wife up laughing to loud. thanks alot LOL
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That is fricken hilarious fear, now I wilhave to dig my old stuff out
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not really a joke but it gets few laughs when i hand them out at work...
(http://i42.tinypic.com/29c4f34.jpg)
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not really a joke but it gets few laughs when i hand them out at work...
(http://i42.tinypic.com/29c4f34.jpg)
funny wayne ,Im gonna borrow this
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"Hello, is this the sheriffs office?" "Yes, what can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report bout my neighbor Virgil Smith..... he's hiding marijuana inside his fire wood! Don't quite know how he get's it inside them log's but he's hidin it there!" "Thank you very much for the call sir." The next day the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes they bust open every piece of firewood but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil & leave. Shortly after the phone ring's at Virgil's house. "Hey Virgil, this here's Floyd.... did the sheriff come?" "Ya" " Did they chop your firewood for the winter?" "Yep" "Happy birthday buddy!"
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So I knew this guy back in high school, he is now in jail for rape and murder. But he told me this story back in the day...
So I picked up this young kid one day from his bus stop after school. As we are walking into the thick woods he says to me
"Gee mister these woods sure are dark, i'm pretty scared"
I replied: "Ya how do you think I feel, i'm gonna be walking out of here alone"
:sign0108:
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Yeah this is a good thing for sure
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So Leroy's truck was found with a dead body in the driver seat. The sheriff called Leroy's 2 best friends to come I.D. the body. Bill went in first and said "well, it looks like ol Leroy, but you need to roll him over to be sure". Bill eased the body's pants down a bit and said "that ain't Leroy". Jeff came in next and said "it sure does look like Leroy, but you better roll him over to be sure". Jeff eased the body's pants down a little and said "nope, it ain't Leroy" The sheriff was confused and asked why neither man thought that this guy was Leroy. Bill said "that guy only has one rectum". Jeff said "everywhere we go people say here comes Leroy with those two buttholes".
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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter..Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up"
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.
No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"
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Man that is some funny chit man, I don't think I can post any of mine they are not for better words clean.
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That's good Jesse
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Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking...
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"
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I drove by this yard today that had about four cornstalks each a couple of feet apart..........................It turn out to be a corn maze for blonds.
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A man and his son are injured in a car accident. They are taken to the hospital and the dad is pronounced dead and the boy goes to surgery where the surgeon says I can't operate on this person, this is my son. Who is the surgeon?
The surgeon is his mother. Still trying to figure out the other two:confused:
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What is once in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in a thousand years?
The letter M. That one took me a while...... I love riddle's
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Liar!!! You looked it up haha. If you're anything like me you don't cheat. It's better to get them right yourself
Haha. I didn't look it up but I used my phone a friend & got help from my brother in law because he's really good at this stuff. We can't figure out the 2nd one but I was thinking it had something to do with a ship(thinking aircraft carrier?) or something maybe? I'm probably way off though.
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Where will you find streets with no cars, a forest with no trees, and cities without houses?
Having a BBQ at my house & got a few people involved. Is it a map? Let's keep this going this is fun.
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Where will you find streets with no cars, a forest with no trees, and cities without houses?
Having a BBQ at my house & had to get a couple people involved. Is it a map? Let's keep this going this is fun.
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Your at home & you take a short run. You take a left, another left, than another left. When you get home there are two men in mask's waiting for you. Who are they?
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A man was pushed out of an airplane, without a parachute. How was he able to survive?
The airplane was on the ground
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I have two arms, but fingers none. I have two feet, but cannot run. I carry well, but I have found I carry best with my feet off the ground. What am I?
A wheelbarrow
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Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel.
“Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land.”
Nearly 75 years ago, (when welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
“Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land.”
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and
mortgaged the promised land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about heath care plans, the economy, the wars,
lost jobs, savings, social security, retirement funds, etc.....
I called a suicide hotline.
I had to press one for English, I was connected to a call center in Pakistan...
I told them I was suicidal.
They got exicited and asked if I could drive a truck.......
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Fear, I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry...
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Short funny 2 liners...
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
During last nights high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokeswoman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."
Jamaican minorites in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low!!
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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did you choke it?
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(http://d1nr5wevwcuzuv.cloudfront.net/product_photos/1310113/petrolsexual-stick_original.png)
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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?"
They draw straws, Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle and don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you'll ever meet. Discrection is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apt and knocks on the door..
The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost 500 bucks and is afraid to come home."
The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
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HOLY HUMOR
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faithsshould remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of theChristian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of theGood Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on theroadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I thinkI'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah dida lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just twoworms.
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorizeone of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngstersa month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but hejust couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get pastthe first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 infront of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, hestepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd,and that's all I need to know.
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father alwayspaused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, sheasked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was soobservant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a goodsermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So yourmother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What doesshe say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would blessevery family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). Forseveral weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,"And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include thisclosing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why doyou always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayersby saying 'All Men'!
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at hisGrandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was beingserved. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said hismother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We alwayssay a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But thisis Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
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How is it that a person born in Massachusetts, whose parents were both born in Massachusetts, is not born a U.S. Citizen
before Massachusetts was a state.... :P
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ok kid friendly joke-
what do you call a boomerang that doesn't work????
a stick..... :P
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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"And because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!!"
The social worker said, "yeah, well...you started it."
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Got a good one just came off the wire...
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyones relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flue. THe cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact of trucks and only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".
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Silence
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Jon...this is a joke thread. Not a riddle thread. Take your riddles to a riddle thread... haha