Author Topic: The Joke Thread (Read 11658 times)

Fear250r · « **on:** August 27, 2013, 03:15:40 PM »

I tried to get a section going on the other site for something like this. Naturally, someone was only interested in kicking people instead of continuing to make a better site. Anywho, figured I'd fire it up here. Let make a simple "joke thread". No extra section needed, just have it in the lounge. Maybe Jon could sticky this if it takes off. I'll start. I've got tons of funny emails that I've collected over the years. I'll start posting some up! Enjoy!

"The Cat"

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave the house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tried to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs with the husband in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away.

"Stupid b i t c h was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

jfwyatt1 · « **Reply #1 on:** August 27, 2013, 10:39:11 PM »

im in trouble now i woke the wife up laughing to loud. thanks alot LOL

jamieg45 · « **Reply #2 on:** August 27, 2013, 10:43:07 PM »

That is fricken hilarious fear, now I wilhave to dig my old stuff out

atv fan 28 · « **Reply #3 on:** August 27, 2013, 11:19:46 PM »

not really a joke but it gets few laughs when i hand them out at work...

fearlessfred · « **Reply #4 on:** August 27, 2013, 11:29:49 PM »

Quote from: atv fan 28;10243

not really a joke but it gets few laughs when i hand them out at work...

funny wayne ,Im gonna borrow this

broken1 · « **Reply #5 on:** August 27, 2013, 11:56:01 PM »

"Hello, is this the sheriffs office?" "Yes, what can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report bout my neighbor Virgil Smith..... he's hiding marijuana inside his fire wood! Don't quite know how he get's it inside them log's but he's hidin it there!" "Thank you very much for the call sir." The next day the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes they bust open every piece of firewood but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil & leave. Shortly after the phone ring's at Virgil's house. "Hey Virgil, this here's Floyd.... did the sheriff come?" "Ya" " Did they chop your firewood for the winter?" "Yep" "Happy birthday buddy!"

Tbone07 · « **Reply #6 on:** August 28, 2013, 10:38:54 AM »

So I knew this guy back in high school, he is now in jail for rape and murder. But he told me this story back in the day...

So I picked up this young kid one day from his bus stop after school. As we are walking into the thick woods he says to me

"Gee mister these woods sure are dark, i'm pretty scared"

I replied: "Ya how do you think I feel, i'm gonna be walking out of here alone"

:sign0108:

3gensofR · « **Reply #7 on:** August 28, 2013, 09:00:09 PM »

Yeah this is a good thing for sure

GO OVRIT · « **Reply #8 on:** August 28, 2013, 10:09:52 PM »

So Leroy's truck was found with a dead body in the driver seat. The sheriff called Leroy's 2 best friends to come I.D. the body. Bill went in first and said "well, it looks like ol Leroy, but you need to roll him over to be sure". Bill eased the body's pants down a bit and said "that ain't Leroy". Jeff came in next and said "it sure does look like Leroy, but you better roll him over to be sure". Jeff eased the body's pants down a little and said "nope, it ain't Leroy" The sheriff was confused and asked why neither man thought that this guy was Leroy. Bill said "that guy only has one rectum". Jeff said "everywhere we go people say here comes Leroy with those two buttholes".

Fear250r · « **Reply #9 on:** August 29, 2013, 01:13:32 PM »

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter..Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up"

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.
No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

jamieg45 · « **Reply #10 on:** August 30, 2013, 12:18:25 AM »

Man that is some funny chit man, I don't think I can post any of mine they are not for better words clean.

oldschoolr · « **Reply #11 on:** August 30, 2013, 01:37:53 AM »

That's good Jesse

Fear250r · « **Reply #12 on:** August 30, 2013, 12:45:21 PM »

Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

rk88r · « **Reply #13 on:** August 30, 2013, 11:17:07 PM »

I drove by this yard today that had about four cornstalks each a couple of feet apart..........................It turn out to be a corn maze for blonds.

broken1 · « **Reply #14 on:** August 31, 2013, 09:04:25 PM »

Quote from: spiritaces;10591

A man and his son are injured in a car accident. They are taken to the hospital and the dad is pronounced dead and the boy goes to surgery where the surgeon says I can't operate on this person, this is my son. Who is the surgeon?

The surgeon is his mother. Still trying to figure out the other two:confused: